books and goals and stuff

I haven’t know what to write the last two weeks. I still don’t entirely know what to write. So I’ll just start.

I was incredibly humbled, saddened and enlightened by the response from my Vulnerability blog post a couple of weeks ago. I received so many private messages, texts, comments, from so many of you saying “yup, I did the same thing,” or “I had no idea you were going through it too?” or “we need to keep this conversation going, it’s important for our kids to see and hear.”

It’s a constant battle. I found it really funny that I wrote that blog post saying “oh I’m done now…I’m 41 and I’m done feeling this way and judging myself in this way” and then for the next week or so, I felt so ugly and fat and disgusting. Nothing had really changed. Making public affirmations doesn’t mean anything truly goes away. Our childhood traumas, however that may have looked for you, are part of who we are now. I heard a podcast recently that said something along the lines of how there’s scientific evidence that our minds are formed in a certain way in adolescence that makes us into the adults we become. So, if you were fucked up in adolescence ………sorry bud. But I mean really, who knows? The brain is a mysterious place that we know so very little about.

I recently purchased this book: “American Bedroom” by the truly amazing photographer, Barbara Peacock.

In it, Barbara spent 7 years traveling around the country into the intimate bedrooms of Americans. She somehow quickly gained their trust and honesty and allowed her to photograph them in their most sacred of spaces.

Alongside the sensational images is a quote from the subject or a poetic quote. Some of the words give you insight into the person’s past, some about how they’re just getting along day to day. Each and every image has an incredible story, whether it was from a family traveling in a bus for the past 3 years, or a recent widower who still walks around quietly in the morning, as to not wake up his wife. But there is one quote that has just stuck with me. The image it accompanies isn’t anything out of the ordinary. It’s of this gentleman named William who’s 21 and he’s playing guitar in his room on his bed. William’s walls (or what we can see of them) are filled with framed concert posters as well as framed records. He obviously loves music, since while he plays one electric guitar on his bed, another is hanging on his wall and then an acoustic guitar is sitting next to his closet.

The quote alongside his picture is:

“Sometimes I look around me, even on my walls, and I wonder if I’ll ever be one of those people to someone else. I’m trying to finally move forward with my life and study in my field, but my own penchant for self-doubt and self-criticism often gets in the way. I need to learn to strong-arm myself into respecting myself, or everything will be needlessly more difficult.”

Like…..holy shit William….way to nail that one on the head!! You’re only 21 and FAR more insightful than most of the 40 year olds that I know.

I got this book, maybe a month ago, and started flipping through the 200 pages. William’s pages are 114 and 115. The book has lied open for the past month on that image and his words. “I look around me,… and I wonder if I’ll ever be one of those people to someone else.” I think about that all the time. Will I be someone people look up to? Will my images be something people can look back on and think about fondly? Am I making any sort of difference? Am I good enough? And good enough for what? There’s no “finish line?” But still….I think this whole midlife-crisis bullshit is actually a thing.

So what the hell do I want to leave in the world? What do I want the world to think of me as? I’m a good mom and wife….but that only gets you so far. I can make a mean chocolate raspberry ganache tart…..but once again, it only goes so far.

Before Barbara came out with her book, I had this idea for my own book. I posted about it on instagram a few months ago, but I don’t think a lot of people understood the importance of it and it’s something I’d like to “leave behind.” It’s a personal project, a labor of love, if you will.

It’s about the postpartum experience. I know this may seem like I’m kicking a dead horse with this topic, or maybe it just feels that way to me because I think about it all the time but rarely post or chat about it.

Our postpartum experiences are all different but all universal. Our bodies changed and are healing, our needs are being set to the side to make sure the needs of the little humans we created are met first. Our mental status is shaky, at best. But we’re trying. We’re trying to figure it out. We’re trying to be the parents we wanted to be. We’re making mistakes and trying like hell not to slip down that huge slope of a learning curve. I want to photograph that. No, I don’t want to photograph you falling……but I sure as hell want to photograph you getting yourself back up!

I want to travel around the country, into different communities and showcase what postpartum is for you. What it looks like. The actual day-to-day craziness that escapes from our brains almost as quickly as we process them. Things like: When I had Jameson (younger of my two) and Jon was at work (‘cause our paternity leave is non-existant), Jonny was potty training, and I was trying to help him wipe his butt WHILE I was breastfeeding Jameson. Or the fact that I breastfed in several stalls of bathrooms as to not offend anyone…….at first………then I didn’t give a shit and whipped it out whenever he needed :). Or when both kids are needing something from you and you’re in the process of making 2nd breakfast and then the doorbell rings and the dog goes crazy and then everyone’s crying! lol….I only laugh now because we survived and I’m past that. But those images. Those images that aren’t all nice and tidy. The moments of parenthood that are hard. Why don’t we talk about it more? Being a stay-at-home mom can be extremely lonely. Being a working mom can be extremely lonely. You NEVER feel like you’re doing the right thing and mom guilt is running on HIGH at all times!

My goal is to travel around and photograph different ethnicities, cultures, races, ages, etc of parents in postpartum: right after birth to two years old. They can have multiple children, but one has to be within that age range. I would spend a couple of hours with them and they would receive an 8x10 matted print of my favorite image of the session and possibly be in the book.

So…internet world. I need your help. I need help finding these people. People that are ok with showing the messy and hard. People that are ok with me coming into that space and know that I carry ZERO judgment about how or where they live.

Ideally, after all of the images are taken, I’d love hand written notes about how you all were feeling during this period in time. This is important. This is something I want to leave behind.

Jon asked me awhile ago “why do you want to make a book like that?” Because women need to see it. They need to understand they aren’t alone, no matter how they look or where they come from.

So send your people my way and we’ll figure out a travel plan.

In the meantime…..buy Barbara’s book. It’s a true masterpiece. https://www.americanbedroomseries.com/shop